Thisabsurdworld

I sat next to you 
sand touched our feet 
I touched your hand 
you pulled away 
didn’t understand 

I don’t remember your words 
but I remember your face 
frozen in confusion 
I try to explain 
the wind grasps my words away 
it brings a miserable coldness 

you walked back to reality 
but I would not let you go 
I jumped up 
and ran after you 
put my hand on your shoulder 
wait 

I stood there, heart racing 
but I knew I would do it 
I took a step 
and wrapped me 
around you 
for just a second 

I let go slightly 
my cheek brushed past yours 
I could not resist 
so I kissed 

and you pushed 
threw me in the sand 
left me there 
cold in the wind 
I understood 

but maybe you were scared 
maybe you were confused 
maybe you wanted to 
but couldn’t 

because now you are at my door 

hidden from the world 
two boys 
in the forest 
holding hands 

they wish  
they could 
hold hands 
in the world 

it breaks my heart 
that we are scared to be alone 
because alone we shall be 
and that is nothing to be afraid of 

I loved our moments together 
things are different now 
perhaps after  
this wild flow of time 
we will have 
moments together again 

music comes 
when stress is gone 
then there is space 
for joy in my mind 

my dear 
do you see more 
than your broken heart 

can you see  
the leaves on the ground 
and the pinkness of the sky 
or do you only see  
your tears on a page 
do you notice  
the world around you  
or is it all a blur 

my dear 
I wish you could see 
that it is going to be okay 
that we may live till we die 
and that that is okay 

limited space 

behind blank eyes 
panic flayed 

behind silence 
a sensitive truth 

water is a hot summers day 
with clothes in the pool 
dripping with happiness 

fire is the feeling in a heart 
when it has found  
something beautiful 
yet destructive 

do you ever notice 
the indescribable magic 
your face carries 

do you ever notice 
the fundamental beauty 
of your eyes  

do you ever realize 
who you are 
and think about 
who you want to be 

we wait for a better time 
but the only time is now 

find me  
when the sounds get too loud 
and the people shut you out 
come and find me 

cry deep  
with your head against my chest 
it’s okay to protest 
oh cry deep 

hold you 
when no one understands 
when they try to break your mind 
I will hold you 

(read to yourself) 
I am pretty 
I am valuable 
I am loved 
I matter 
I am fun 
etc 

standing in the ocean 
as the tide comes 
I let it happen 
what else can I do 
I can’t stop it 
the question is  
will I come out again 
the water rises 
the water recedes 
and I am gone 

a waterfall cascading 
what does it matter 

unfathomable delirium 
is perhaps 
the most fundamental state 
of the human being 

we read the back 
and put it back 

disgusted by lack 
yet we lack 

our emotions we hold 
with no hands to hold 

peer through the fold 
in the end we all fold 

you thought you knew 
what you wanted to do 
but then you broke it 
and in the pieces you saw 
something new 

limited vision 

empty mind 
phantom hand 
wordless pages 
mean nothing 

we still try to hide behind 
the impossible ignorance 
of life’s significance 

we do the same thing 
again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and again 
and we call it life

God 
do you think 
I am wrong 

sometimes 
I think I am wrong 
because people say You say 
I am wrong 

I think  
they are wrong 

why are there 
eyes in the wall 
behind my back 
staring at me 
judging me 
why  
are they  
always there 

listen 
closer 

you don’t hear them 
because all you hear 
is yourself standing in front of a mirror 

and so I say to time 

stop it 
please just stop it 

you’re not giving me enough time 
to keep up with time 

because I look away for one second 
and years have passed 

step into your own mind 
why are you still hiding  
from yourself

I know my parents could  
never kick me out 
I think 
what if they get angry 
and look at me differently 

so maybe 
I should not tell them 

maybe what I feel 
is wrong 

I know it might be wrong  
that you are my everything 

but if I let you go 
everything would be gone 

when the sun sets 
what is left 

family isn’t always easy 
sometimes it is quiet 
air filled with tension 
no one understands each other 
and they fight 
divide 

in the morning 
they all leave 
but in the evening 
where do they go 
back to each other 

family isn’t always easy 
but it’s always family 

you want me to be boring 
oh well, I’m so sorry 

can’t handle a little change 
am I shaking your perfect world 

I’ll be sure to send you a postcard 
cause you don’t seem 
to be going anywhere 

sometimes we look at each other 
just for a second 

sometimes we speak to each other 
just for a second 

and when I’m gone 

I hope you remember me 
for more than a second 

hold my hand 
in the crowd 
when I’m scared 

stroke my cheek 
catch my tears 
with your thumb 

lay on my chest 
give me warmth 
as dark clouds pass 

so beautiful would that be 
but the wish echoes in the well 

everything we say 
belongs to ‘a man’ 
is bullshit 
it divides us 
and creates  
a freedomless mould 
for our children 

a lonely soul 
in a garden chair 
at midnight 

looked up 
at the moon 
and saw a boy 

the boy smiled softly 
and the lonely soul
was a little less lonely 

how do I get you 
back to normal 
in my head 

how do I stop thinking about you 
every time I see anything 

how do I stop  
my idea of you 
not even you 
from pulling all the strings 
from being the only thing 
that keeps me afloat 

this messed up game 
I play with myself 
in my head 

I pretend I know you 
and what you think 

if you say something anything 
you like me and everything is okay 

if you say nothing  
nothing at all 
you hate me  
and the world no longer has meaning 

and I die 

am I  
in denial 
about  
being rotten 
or am I 
really not as 
rotten as the  
world likes 
to tell me 

it breaks my heart 
that people full of love 
can act lovelessly 

that words from 
Love itself 
can be used 
lovelessly 

that a child  
in their family 
could feel  
lovelessness 

it is not negative 
to be empty 

it is negative 
to think being empty 
is negative 

we are empty 
at the end of the day 
are we not 

God in us all 
I believe that 
but empty nonetheless 
and that is absolutely 
okay 

You could borrow 
my purple sweater  
if you want 

you don’t even  
have to ask 

it would look 
really good 
on you 

I fear many of us 
try to piece together 
the puzzle of life 
without ever looking 
at the picture 

I even fear many of us 
are using pieces 
that don’t belong 
in the puzzle of life 

If you love trees 
I love trees 
because I love 
someone 
who loves trees 

yesterday 
someone fell 
you kind of  
laughed 

today 
you fell 
someone kind of 
laughed 

so do you see 
you are the person 
that fell yesterday 

It is not negative 
to be alone 

it is negative  
to think being alone 
is negative 

we are alone  
at the end of the day 
are we not 

God with us all 
I believe that 
but alone nonetheless 
and that is absolutely 
okay 

your trash bin 
or garbage can 
is not a portal 
to somewhere out of  
this universe 

the things we throw 
keep on existing 
we just move them 
to a different place 

and we are relieved 
that it is not our problem anymore 
but we do not realize 
that it still is 

could we have 

our forever 

for a while 

it’s funny how 
it seems easier  
to capture 
a feeling 
in small words 
than in  
the towering shelves 
of books and books 
and books 

what single word  
could topple me 
you ask 

no 
yes 
today 
tomorrow 
everyone 
nothing 
sorry 
goodbye 

if a single word 
is enough to  
topple  
the strongholds 
of the mind 
and the statues 
of the heart 

what do you suppose 
many words 
together 
could achieve 

behold 
the togetherness 
of words 

they speak  
to each other 
and give  
each other meaning 

so let  
the togetherness of words  
now speak to you 

isn’t rain just as sweet 
as strumming strings 
of a soft guitar 

yet you run from  
the miracle of 
heaven’s water 

you curse 
the way of nature 
as if it is 
against you 

but you are against it 

If you would ever read this 
then know that this page  
is for you 

Dedicated to the most lovely 
person 

in this chapter 
of my life 

the fire at your mouth 
does not impress me 

it makes me  
silently scream  
save your life 

you laugh it off 
and relight the fire 

You don’t impress me 
anymore 

because the way you 
left me standing there 

broke my view 
of you 

why  
does it sometimes just feel 
like every breath 
is in vain? 

Beneath  
the highest point 
is everything 

And above it 
is God 

Took the bus again 
but didn’t leave it 
rode it out 

Knew the windows and doors 
till I didn’t 

I piece together
sounds of broken words

words you said
when you would still smile at me 
but words that broke 
when your heart grew cold 

What should I do alone? 
If he is still breathing 
but not here? 

someone hurts us 
but we still love them

we remember what they said 
when they still loved us 

we piece together sounds 
of broken words 

If you are here 
why do you think about 
somewhere else? 

If you are not here 
where are you? 

(being or leaving) 
to be 
or 
to leave 
truly we must have strength  
to choose  
to be 
because how strong  
are the reasons to stay? 
what is their fundament? 
is their fundament not only smoke 
in the sight of life? 
yet somewhere in us lies the strength 
to deem the reasons to stay as enough 
to be 
so admirable is our strength 
to choose 
to be 

To be 
or 
to leave

Our 
forever 

for a while