And then poetry grabs me again
sometimes by the hand
sometimes by the throat
dragging me to the most painful place
of pits and knives
of loss and confusion
of fear and tears

so sometimes I am scared
what poetry will do with me now

I am but a lost soul
and you were the explosion I was drawn to

So much is lost
I can never explain

It was only…
my perception of you

Every silence a word that doesn’t exist
Every blank a sign of our limitations

Clawing our way to meaning
and realizing it is only
the blood under our nails
that feeds us

Why?
Does that question not haunt this place?

It seemed to him
that his nature
was different
than yesterday

I am now and I will never be now again

In his eyes 
there is an entire world 
and when I look at that world 
the real one stops 

everything around me  
becomes nothing 
because these soul binding orbs 
are already everything 

Then he looks at me 

a silent BANG 
as his gaze hits my body 
shattering pieces off 
and dooming me to malfunction 

that split second 
dragging on to the edge of infinity 

I realized the life I had lived 
had all happened 
as his eyes and mine crossed 

nothing existed before that 
and nothing will exist after 

when he looked away again 
I was gone 

It is a burst 
of luminescent energy 
glowing orange 
but also every other colour 

and in the burst 
my body is disintegrated 
leaving only some 
ethereal form 

and I want to be 
everywhere at once 
to see everything 
and live everything 

while simultaneously 
staying here 
with this boy

How can you
think the same
your whole life
without missing
something?

Are you arrogant enough
to think
that your thinking
is everything?

It feels like
the only place
I ever found
the meaning of life
is in your eyes

I left a note
at your door
It said that
I came to tell you
that I miss you
But I was too scared
to knock
I was scared
that you
hadn’t missed me

Your hair doesn’t fall
quite the same way
as it did in the past

We exist
temporarily
to realize
what meaning is
in a meaningless world

Do you love your children?
Then why do you chain them
you tell them they should be
this or that
But they are not this or that
because they are different
And so you chain them
to your this or that

That is how children
feel trapped

I broke the clock
but time had already escaped

it is you that
welcomes me
into life
and pulls me
out of survival

Break it
break the limits
of this tiny language
of the concept of language itself
shatter it
as you shatter your soul
in a pouring-out of emotion
and a pausing of life
to look into the eyes of death

Break it
and then break
the pieces into which it broke

We stay there where
someone loves us
If you don’t love yourself
where will you go?

We stay there where
someone loves us
I want to stay here
with you
But I can’t

Those who write
do not know what they write
They beg for mercy
to the wordless void
But nothing real ever happens

Go ahead
and break me

Then I can write better

I reach for the moonboy
and I always burn

My philosophy says there is no meaning
But when I’m with you my philosophy has no meaning

Time with you
is no time at all

The life drains
from the landscape
its colour glides to the horizon
and a quiet grey settles around my body

The sun says goodbye
in the most beautiful way
I am not sad to see her go

Her final greeting
gives me enough
to last the night
or in it, enter death

There is a boy
in the garden
He’s looking at the sky

Wild summer roses
He’s holding them up high

Sun on his face and
wind in his hair

and all I can do is
stand there and stare

shapes release themselves from moving objects 
suddenly they can’t keep up 
and the structure of reality is laid bare 
for that one moment 
As if it is not me that is lagging 
but the entire world 

Time warps downwards 
everything seems frozen and sped up all at once 

All of time in one moment 
And that moment has just passed 

Speaking to you  
is perhaps the most painful paradox 
If I say the right thing 
it is wrong 
All the wrong things 
seem right 
And no matter 
what words I utter 
I always lose you 
in the end 

I always walk with the absence of you 
‘By my side’ is a potential place for you to be  
But it never seems actualized 

Your absent self seems to like me more  
Than any other version of you 

Are you man enough 
to be yourself? 
to paint your nails? 
cry over a stupid movie? 
dance to a stupid song? 
to put your ego aside? 
to express what you feel? 

Are you human enough 
to respect our differences? 
to let us be united through them? 
to keep your expectations to yourself? 
and not judge others with them? 

I am truly sorry 
I did not expect this 
But this is life, this is love 
unpredictable, unrelenting and beautiful 

Do you know that feeling? 
That you understand nothing? 
I don’t understand it 
But I feel it 

This boy 

the wind carries 
the message 
that you might never 
love me 
that I might never 
see you again 

so I tell the wind 
that it doesn’t have to  
enter my lungs anymore 

Now I stand alone 
because you are not here 

and the air feels thinner 
less present 

it no longer  
beckons me 
to breathe it 

You are  
eternally doomed 
to receive 
my love 

I hung up 
a missing poster 
for my soul 

God is not  
a God of religion 

Yet most believers 
make religion 
their God 

all we have is nothing 
and that is okay 

we busy ourselves 
with silly words 
and body works 
and end up 
in a relationship 
with someone 
we don’t know 

perhaps 
the deepest part  
of my soul 
is only visible 
to others 
in poems 

us together 
not even our bodies 
only our souls 
would be enough 
to make me feel 
like I am real 
and that the world 
has meaning 

truth is never caught in systems 
it slips through labels and cogs 
unnoticed 

we’ve all thought 
to have caught 
truth at some point 
but when we 
open our hands 
we see  
a butterfly 
of our imagination 

The real world 
has never heard 
the words 
‘good’ and ‘bad’ 

Who are we 
if our head 
is filled with 
ideas that 
are not us 

suddenly  
I was no longer 
someone 
in your mind 

the birds carried  
sunbeams on their shoulders 
and sang songs of the moon 

when life feels 
rhythmless 
dance 
rhythmlessly  

they’re building  
something new 
in town 

but their 
cement hearts 
are ever 
the same 

shooting stars 
at 
the 
fair 
with 
you 

I want to seem  
like a wise man 
but that desire 
is not wise 

bank of empty dreams 

boy culture 
makes me sick 
and in love 

How did you end up in a life 
you didn’t want 
In a life where you are not 
you 

thinking you are sane 
is the most insane thing  
you can do 

let’s play with insanity 
because life does 

if 
you 
could 
fly 
where 
would 
you 
go 

would 
you 
ever 
fly 
to 
me 

I left myself 
and took a walk 
on the midnight boulevard 
behind the light of a lamp 
shone that of the moon 
it pulled me 
so I walked to it 
it was soft to touch 
and smelled like the earth 
I looked back 
and thought 
of life 
what it is  
and why it is 
and why we do it 

and we danced 
without our bodies 

understand 
and 
accept 
that 
perhaps 
we 
are 
wrong 

we tell our children  
how the world works 
even though we don’t know 
how the world works 

you are my muse 
you are my emotion 

without you what would I write 
without you what would I feel 

I am falling  
I am falling 
yet I have wings 

the harder I fall 
the higher the urge 
to fly 

I 
look 
at  
an 
empty 
space 
and 
I 
wish 
you 
were 
here 
to 
fill 
it 

a painting 
and the paint is  
the feeling that I get 
when I see you smile 

time is up 
were you done 

honestly 
sometimes 
I don’t know 
what to say 
anymore 

I’m afraid time 
will cost me my life 

an eternal noise 
engulfing 
my life 
breaking 
my drums 
scraping 
my throat 
itching 
my skin 

perhaps I won’t 
breathe
because 
I  
don’t  
know 
why  
I  
should 

never thought 
I would be the me 
that I am now 

without you 
it feels like I’m just 
pretending 
to be alive 

what would it take to break the cycle  
we’re living in 

what would it take to break the mould 
we were born in 

is our potential 
limited 

is our brain even  
limitless 

or is a life in chains 
imminent 

in your eyes 
I see my future 

do you see yours 
in mine 

I dreamt of you last night 
you said you didn’t dream of me 

I want to break something 
because I feel broken 

I see you in my house 
but you’re not there 

I’m scared of you 
because I love you 

I am so angry 
why is it like this 

it is  
invisible 
tangible 
between us 

I grab it 
it is  
beautiful 
chaotic 
dangerous 

I offer it to you 
and I see doubt  
on your face 

just us 

I wish I could pause here 
I am happy here 
with you 
and me 

just us 

quiet 
I cannot cry 

it is quiet 
I must be normal 

it is quiet here 
I am not allowed to scream 

it is quiet here in the city 
but in my head it is loud 

a boy stands 
defeated in his bedroom 
I’m sure you’ll bring a girl home someday 
his father told him 
and suddenly 
the boy thought 
the way he loved 
was wrong 

eyes 
that pierce 
through my 
life’s structure 
that make me suddenly 
not so sure anymore  
about anything 
and my mind and body 
stop 

my life 
stops 
at the sight  
of your eyes 

I have so much 
that I want to say 
to someone who 
says not much 
in return 

In the glass jar 
on my bookshelf 
I keep all my love for you 
so that it won’t hurt 
to walk around  
and miss you 

but every day I 
open the jar  
and take you with me anyway 
because I love you so much 
even if it hurts